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As we head into another school year, a lot has been made of changes that do or don’t need to be made to the Ontario curriculum. There’s one thing that never seems to be on the agenda, though, and that’s the state of supply teaching.

Ask anyone you know and they’ll have a story about how their Grade 5 class somehow drove a poor fill-in to the brink of insanity using nothing more than a pen lid and the word “fart.”

Isn’t it time Ontario stepped in and rethought the entire profession?

First of all, stop hiring people named Bungworth, Diarrhogers or Nerdiger. For decades, Ontario schools have passed over resumes from every Smith and Wilson in favour of the most joke-ready surnames in recorded history.

Sure, it’s important to be proud of your name, but maybe not to the point where you’re spelling it out at the beginning of class for 25 entertainment-starved kids.

“…Once again, my name is Sexfailerson. Might want to write that down, just in case you forget. S-E-X-F-A-I-L-E-R-S-O-N.”

Ontario school boards, I’m begging you, save these teachers from themselves! Gently guide them toward a retail career and a name tag that says “Barb”!

Fav Vila Green Jersey Dress Ivy New Vitinny We should also be debating whether supply teachers even need to be teachers at all. Here’s the thing: your kid isn’t going to fall behind because they didn’t learn something on a random Thursday in February. If their usual teacher is off sick, you just need them to be occupied for six hours. Why can’t supply teachers be magicians or lifeguards or retired game show hosts? Would you rather your child come home and tell you their class teased a teacher right into a nervous breakdown OR that they learned word games from that guy that used to host Bumper Stumpers?!

In the event that the Ontario government doesn’t act quickly on my recommendations, I’ll go ahead and wish our local supply teachers the best of luck this year with the hand they’re dealt. It has to be the toughest job in education and I salute them for their efforts. May their days be filled with more success than sexfailerson.

Ben McLean is a husband, a father, and can’t believe how many pumpkin spice drinks there are already. Sigh. He can be heard weekday mornings on 98.9 The Drive and reached at benmcleancolumn@gmail.com.

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